The Feral Elder: Shhhh. Please Don't Say That!

By VALERIE HERSHFIELD, The Feral Elder, InDepth NH

A dear friend’s husband recently died, and I was without adequate words.

When in doubt, ask Google. I searched what to say and what NOT to say to someone who has lost a loved one. It was enlightening, and some of the things folks say that they shouldn’t are shocking. “God needed another angel” and “He’s in a better place,” are off the table. It made me think of what things I, as an older person, don’t want people to say to me. I want to give grace that in both circumstances I know people are well intentioned. However, if a blunder can be avoided, why not?

Let’s start with the one I hear most often. “I hope I look as good as you when I’m your age.” I was only in my 40s when a woman first said this to me, and it doesn’t hit any softer as I age. Never say that or any other sentence that ends with “when I’m your age.” I was at a bar with dancing with my daughter Shawna when the song “Elvira” began. I used to teach line dancing, so the Electric Slide will get me on the floor every time. “I hope I can dance like that when I’m her age,” a woman sitting next to Shawna said. Always the protector, Shawna surmised the sedentary-appearing woman had never danced well and was unlikely to improve with age. Yes, these were meant as compliments. They are not.

“You sure don’t look your age.” Again, don’t.

“At your age you should (or shouldn’t) …” First, was advice asked for? Even if there is a valid reason, please just leave off the first three words.

This next one makes me queasy: “She’s (fill in any age) years young.” Condescending. I remember seeing Joan Rivers talking about aging on TV. The show’s host asked her age. “Seventy-seven,” she replied. The audience began clapping. “Don’t applaud. Don’t! Bleck!” she exclaimed, sticking her tongue out. In typical Rivers style, she went on to relate a story about a celebrity introducing her. “Here’s Joan and she’s 77 years young.” Rivers responded, “Here’s Vanessa and she’s 350 pounds thin.”

Unless we’re romantic, related, or have known each other a minimum of 30 years, please don’t call me honey, sweetie or dear. Even if we are related, proceed with caution.

Finally, it’s not “we,” it’s “you.” “Are we ready to take our medicine?” Okay, butget your own bottle.” “Are we tired?” Yes. Tired of you talking to me as if I’m a baby.

If we bring up age ourselves, okay. Otherwise, why should it come into the conversation?

Hey, it’s entirely possible that it’s just me being testy. Hey, I’m old and feral. Let us hear from you if you have similar pet peeves. FeralElderInDepthNH@gmail.com.

As I was researching for this column, I came across a Google listing titled, “Why are old people mean and rude?” Us? A whole different column.

Thank you to David Andruchuk, of Rumney, NH, for his kind words and this appropriate lyric from a Jeffery Toulson song: “I am too young to feel this old and I am too old to feel this young.”

This story was originally published by InDepth NH.