The Sopranos, Ooops, I Mean, The Trump Family, And Their Very Generous Protection Services

An Offer America Apparently Couldn’t Refuse

In the golden age of prestige television, HBO gave us The Sopranos, a nuanced, brilliantly crafted portrait of a New Jersey mob boss struggling to balance family obligations, business interests, and the occasional need to make inconvenient people disappear. Viewers were riveted. Critics were dazzled. And somewhere, presumably in a gilded tower in Manhattan, a certain real estate developer was taking notes.

Because if Tony Soprano ran his operation out of a strip club called the Bada Bing, Donald Trump has apparently decided to run his out of a building called the White House. Same basic business model. Better curtains. Considerably more cryptocurrency.

The Protection Racket, Explained

For those unfamiliar with organized crime - congratulations on your sheltered upbringing - a protection racket works like this: a powerful figure approaches a vulnerable business owner and says, essentially, “Nice place you have here. Shame if something happened to it.” The business owner pays. The powerful figure provides “protection.” The business owner pays, of course. Everyone seemingly goes home happy, except the taxpayers, the rule of law, and the general concept of civilization.

Really no big deal!

The Trump Family Protection Services program operates on remarkably similar principles, except instead of envelopes of cash passed in diner booths, we now have crypto wallets, inaugural fund donations, ballroom budgets, several wars and what the Judiciary Committee recently described with magnificent understatement as “the world’s most corrupt crypto startup operation.”

According to Ranking Member Jamie Raskin, “Donald Trump has turned the Oval Office into the world’s most corrupt crypto startup operation, minting staggering personal fortunes for him and his family in less than a year.” The report further notes that Trump’s so-called “pro-crypto agenda” is “just one more Trump family self-enrichment plan, built on pay-to-play deals and corrupt foreign interests seeking secret channels of access and influence.”

Tony Soprano, for the record, never once launched a memecoin. He truly lacked vision.

The Crypto Caper

While legitimate American investors watched their protections get systematically dismantled - because regulations are obviously only for suckers - apparently, the Trump family was busy minting personal fortunes of genuinely staggering proportions. The committee noted they don’t yet know where all the money is coming from, which is precisely the kind of sentence that would make any reasonable person’s hair stand on end, and which apparently made nobody in the entire Republican caucus to even look up from their phones.

“We don’t know where all the money is coming from yet,” said Raskin, “but America has never seen corruption on this scale take place inside the White House.”

“Never.” “In American history.” “Inside the White House.”

But please, keep asking about Hillary’s emails and continue telling us about Hunter Biden’s laptop.

The Associates

No mob family is complete without its colorful cast of associates, and the Trump organization does not disappoint.

Consider Roger Stone — veteran political operative, Nixon tattoo enthusiast, and man who appears to have been styled by someone who lost a bet. Stone was convicted of seven felonies including witness tampering and obstruction. Trump pardoned him. Stone subsequently compared Trump to a “father figure.” In the Soprano household, this is what they called keeping someone in the family.

Then there’s Charles Kushner — father of Jared, convicted fraudster, and a man whose crimes included hiring a prostitute to seduce his own brother-in-law and then mailing the tape to his sister. Trump pardoned him too, and then appointed him Ambassador to France. Ambassador to France. One imagines the French diplomatic corps has seen many things. They had not seen this.

And I would be remiss not to mention the Epstein files — those long-awaited documents that were going to expose everyone, promised repeatedly, and then released in a manner so carefully curated that the primary revelation was that the government has very good redaction software. The protection extended to the dead, apparently, and is still more comprehensive than the protection extended to American investors and dramatically worse, for Epstein survivors.

The Endorsements

Every mob boss needs community support. You know, “pals.” Tony Soprano had his regulars at Satriale’s Pork Store. Donald Trump, just days before the 2024 presidential election, received an endorsement from Salvatore “Sammy the Bull” Gravano - former hitman, former underboss of the Gambino crime family, and a man who personally admitted to participating in nineteen murders.

Fun! What a great reflection of the candidate.

Sammy the Bull does not typically weigh in on national elections. He made an exception. Huge honor!

One imagines the campaign’s endorsement coordinator received that particular email and stared at it for a very long time.

The Bottom Line

The Sopranos ended ambiguously — a cut to black, a question unanswered, a nation left to wonder what happened next. The Trump family saga appears to be operating on a similar narrative structure, except instead of a diner in New Jersey, we’re all sitting in the diner, and the check just arrived, and it turns out we’re paying it.

Let’s hope it does not cut to black for us.

Bada bing.