How Rude! This Applies To Anyone Using Their Smartphones In Public [The Question]

For the love of everything you may consider sacred, like silence in an increasingly noisy world, turn off your cellphone speaker if you’re carrying on a conversation in public.

“Do not use the speakerphone in public. Ever. Step outside to take a call, especially when in a doctor’s office and restaurant. Be aware of your voice and the volume of it,” said New York City Patch reader Beth. “I don’t care where you are. Even on the street, it should never be used in public.”

“It is annoying and rude to be forced to listen to a conversation you have no interest in,” said Evanston (Illinois) Patch reader David.

Beth and David were among Patch readers who responded to an informal survey for The Question, our exclusive column on social etiquette and what to do in certain situations. For this installment, we asked readers to discuss the etiquette of cellphone use in public.

About 98 percent of U.S. adults own a cellphone of some kind, and 91 percent own a smartphone, according to Pew Research Center data.

Speakerphone use in public is a major irritant among survey respondents. So is turning attention away from in-person conversations to respond to a text, scrolling through social media and otherwise giving full attention to the digital device. And letting it ring, ping and ding in restaurants, movies, meetings, church, or any other place those sounds could be a distraction is flat-out rude.

Self-restraint should be the cornerstone of any cellphone etiquette guide, said Deptford (Massachusetts) Patch reader Sandra.

“If you’re trying to reach someone by text and they do not respond immediately, do not call them or blow up their phone unless it’s an actual emergency,” Sandra said. “Don’t post pictures of anyone without their consent. Do not forward spam emails or social media posts to others.”

‘Connected Yet Disconnected’

Rose Marie, a New York City Patch reader, gets it. She doesn’t want to be without her smartphone, either. It’s an essential tool that makes her life easier. But it makes her sad to see couples out to dinner “not talking to each other at the table and both buried in scrolling their iPhones.”

Instead, she said, do this:

1. When interacting with others, keep the phone in a pocket or purse. “Do not keep it in view on the table.”
2. Only use the smartphone to search for something that “is on topic and relevant to the conversation, and share search findings with others you’re interacting with, especially images.
3. “If you must answer an incoming call, walk away from the social group and dispatch the call as quickly as practicable.”

Merrimack (New Hampshire) Patch reader Barbara added this: “There should be an automatic text response button, stating, ‘Unavailable for response at this time.’ The pinging interrupts the train of thought, causing distraction and, at times, anger.”

Barbara likes having a smartphone, too.

“Being in constant communication has its perks, though there is less face-to-face social interaction when we are glued to our phones,” she said. “They create a conundrum of being connected yet at the same time disconnected.”

Ocean City (New Jersey) Patch reader JoJo said there’s always that one person “who has to have their cellphone on the table” when she and a half a dozen friends get together for game night, even though they had previously agreed not to.

“When it was mentioned, the person responded, ‘Well, what if someone calls?’ I feel, when you’re with people at a gathering, who are you present with, me or the phone? Basically, put your phone away and be present in everything you’re doing,” JoJo said, adding that in too many instances, that is “not even a thought today.”

At the very least, “I think it’s polite to tell people you are engaging with why it is that you have to take a call or respond to a text,” said Pottstown (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Doug.

‘Will Future Generations Lose Their Voices?’

Several other readers said the acceleration of smartphone use has consequences for society at large. Toms River (New Jersey) Patch reader Kathy is wistful for the good old days before smartphones became ubiquitous.

“Let’s go back to landlines and actually communicate with others,” she said. “Will future generations lose their voices because of always texting?”

“I wish cellphones had never been invented,” St. Louis Park (Minnesota) Patch reader Kathryn lamented. “People can’t handle the distraction.”

Digital connectivity is here to stay. But people don’t have to hand over the keys to the machine overlord, some readers said.

“Treat it like a landline. If it’s not ringing, or if you don’t have to call someone immediately, leave it alone,” said Cranford (New Jersey) Patch reader PW. “Do not text or scroll when you’re in a social setting, whether it’s with one other person or dozens.”

Across America Patch reader Ma Bell makes clear that she’s in charge. Don’t call her at mealtime or anytime between 11 p.m. and 8 a.m., because she’s not going to pick up. And also this: “Stay away from my front door after 10 p.m.,” Ma Bell said, “as Ring alerts talk out loud and wake me.”

“The convenience of this tool is extremely important —but we should remember that it is just that, a tool! And as such, we need to make better decisions around when to utilize the tool,” said Baltimore Patch reader Lynn.

“Would you take a hacksaw into a bank or to church with you? No, so let’s treat the cell as another tool that should only be used in the proper spaces,” Lynn added.

‘They Give You A Dirty Look’

A retail business isn’t what Leesburg (Virginia) Patch reader Karla considers a “proper space.”

She works in retail, and is accustomed to customers who take business and personal calls while they’re in the store.

“Sometimes you don’t know who they’re speaking to, and if you do respond, they give you a dirty look and point to their ear” as if the etiquette breach was hers, Karla said.

“Don’t use the speakerphone when you’re in the store. Get off your phone when at the cash register. Don’t be in the middle of the aisle in a store yapping on your phone,” Babylon Village (New York) Patch reader Lorraine said. “Others are shopping, and you’re in their way. No one cares about Aunt Clara’s new pink couch.”

“Put it away — when you’re driving, when you’re crossing the street, when you’re interacting with someone who’s waiting on you — for example, the person behind the deli counter, the cashier who’s checking you out, the server who’s taking your order,” said Danvers (Massachusetts) Patch reader Jo. “Need I go on?”

Jo did.

“And people who sit under a sign in an office that says ‘no cell phone use please,’ and continue to watch stupid videos and not silence their phones. And people who continue to stare at their phones with the glare visible to all those around them in a movie theater.

“I could expound on this forever, but it’s time to walk away from my device,” Jo said.

Please, No Calls From The Can

Dina, who reads Larchmont-Mamaroneck (New York) Patch, Fairfax City (Virginia) Patch and Old Town Alexandria (Virginia) Patch, is tired of hearing people’s loud cellphone conversations wherever they go. And Dina is especially tired f “cellphone use in public restrooms,” which takes rudeness to new heights.

Videos were a flashpoint with other readers as well.

“Always use headsets when listening to music podcasts or watching videos in public,” said Ozone, an Ellington-Somers (Connecticut) Patch reader.

“On a bus, people watch videos with sound as if they are the only ones in the bus,” said Middleton (New Jersey) Patch reader Lenny. “No sound on train, bus or plane!”

“Put your damn phone away and make eye contact and say hello to people,” said Atlanta Patch reader Tony. “It will simply change your life for the better.”

Montgomery-Lansdale (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Stone agreed.

“Try interacting with people by turning your phone off,” Stone said. “You'll be surprised how unimportant you really are.”

You’re Going To Get Someone Killed

People engrossed in their smartphones aren’t just rude; they’re likely to hurt themselves and others around them, several readers said.

“Do not view your phone in public while walking,” said Bayside-Douglaston (New York) Patch reader BMarie.

“If you need to take a call or look something up, step to the side out of pedestrian traffic and never do it while crossing the street, walking through a parking lot or anywhere near moving vehicles,” BMarie said.

“Learn manners,” said New York City Patch reader JSheila. “Do not walk and talk. Step to the side if you are in a public space. Do not block stairwells or sidewalks. Do not stop suddenly.”

In other words, the reader said, stop “Interfering with others in public spaces.”

Almost two-thirds of states have laws prohibiting motorists from holding or manually using a phone while driving. Texting and driving is illegal in 49 states, with Montana the lone exception.

“I can’t believe we even still need to say this, but hands-free driving should be the only driving. I have a zero tolerance policy toward this, and I think the fines and penalties should be just as harsh as driving under the influence,” said Woodbury (Minnesota) Patch reader Junie, whose state is among those with hands-free laws. “If you have one of the few phones that exist where you can’t use a Bluetooth headset, pull over and park your car. A text is not worth a life.”

Go Beyond Classroom Phone Bans

The movement to ban phones in the classroom has moved from scattered district policies to a mainstream, bipartisan policy push. About half of the states have adopted some kind of policy banning or limiting cellphones in the classroom.

Several readers said they support that.

“No phones in classrooms, but they should not be banned from schools altogether,” said Fairfield (Connecticut) Patch reader Patti. “Too many parents rely on cellphone locations to check the safety of their children.”

Sally, an East Hampton (New York) Patch reader, also doesn’t think kids should take their smartphones to class. They should be required to remain in lockers, she said.

Those same children may need to get in touch with their parents who, if they’re polite people, will have silenced their phones in the company of others, Sally said.

“If you have children, make their notification sounds unique, so you know when to respond and when you can ignore,” she said.

Brick (New Jersey) Patch reader Deb R. said schools should go a step further with “a class in school that teaches some of the relevant issues with cellphones.”

“It should start in elementary school,” she said. “Parents also need to limit time on the cell and internet.”

SBS, a Maryland Patch reader who lives in Montgomery County, thinks court officials should put cellphones on lockdown just as some schools do. Such policies are already enforced in most Virginia courthouses.

“When you walk into a courthouse, there is a wall with little lockers on it. You must put your cell phone in that locker. It is not permitted anywhere in the courthouse. When you leave, the clerk will open the locker and you can retrieve your phone,” SBS said. “Let’s try it in Montgomery County courts.”

Cut Digital Natives Some Slack

Today’s teens are true digital natives. Unlike previous generations, they’ve never lived in a time without smartphones and high-speed internet connectivity.

A Pew Research Center survey found nearly all teens — 95 percent of them — have access to smartphones. Nearly half (46 percent) said they use the internet “almost constantly.”

Livermore (California) Patch reader Manda gives them grace.

“As someone who used to bring books to social events as a kid, I don’t see kids having smartphones as all that different — so long as the volume is off!” Manda said. “I wouldn’t want them to be wearing headphones, though, because that does feel like it crosses a line into rude.”

For Upper East Side (New York) Patch reader Susan, the line is crossed by “young people hold a phone in one hand and coffee in the other, so I have to open the door for them.”

Susan said the older adults in their lives bear some responsibility for this.

“I find that parents and grandparents fall into the trap of having to answer their children’s phones and texts immediately, further teaching children to expect immediate responses, and further their status as the most important people, at all times.”

“Try interacting with people by turning your phone off,” Montgomery-Lansdale (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Stone said. “You'll be surprised how unimportant you really are.”

Phones For Adults Only?

Charming, an Illinois Patch reader, thinks only people 18 and older should have cellphones as a matter of public health policy.

“Kids are fat. Get them out playing. Phones are tools, like a hammer. You don’t need them with you at every moment,” Charming said. “Parents should quit using them as babysitters. I used to see mothers smoking as they breastfed. Now I see them on the phones instead of looking at their precious baby.”

Charming worries about the long-term health effects on “babies missing that ‘look in the eye’ contact.”

So does Cha, a New York City Patch reader, who thinks too many people use them “out of sheer boredom” and have forgotten “the beauty of just looking around, sitting quietly and observing the beauty of their surroundings, and just being a bit still.”

“People used to read books, and now they’re scrolling forever these short bits of content that are typically curated for them, which means half the time it’s slanted or biased and often incorrect,” Cha said.

“People believe they can use their cell phones at any time for any reason, even for the stupidest of conversations,” Cha continued. “This theory that everyone should be on call all the time is seriously disruptive. If you haven’t figured out that's half the reason people have problems focusing, then you’re not really paying attention.”

Harlem (New York) Patch reader Debra cited research suggesting that constant access to digital information can encourage “cognitive offloading” or transactual memory. They may remember where to find information rather than retaining the information itself.

“Making the same worst is that people believe whatever they read online, without considering its source, resulting in ignorance and harm, including death and enabling authoritarian government,” Debra said.

About The Question

The Question is an exclusive Patch series posing a broad array of questions on etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you’d like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.

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