When Something Feels Off, What Bystanders Regret Most About Not Acting [The Question]

Uncertainty can be paralyzing in situations where a child or someone else may be in danger. Doubt and fear of being wrong may hold bystanders back. Whether they intervene or don’t, what if they’re wrong?

We asked readers what they’d do if they thought a child or someone else was in danger for The Question, an exclusive Patch series exploring general etiquette questions and what to do in certain situations.

Respondents to our informal survey addressed a variety of situations, including those involving both suspected “stranger danger” and familial abuse, domestic violence, parental discipline that seemed to go too far, and potentially fatal accidents.

A Connecticut Patch reader understands the “bystander effect,” when the urge to act collides with the instinct to stay out of it.

“I had a really bad feeling, and I didn’t help, but it was OK in the end, as someone did,” the reader said. “I have always followed my gut in those situations since, helping three people to safety.”

Kristina, a Hatboro-Horsham (Pennsylvania) Patch reader, didn’t listen to her gut. “It was very frustrating,” she said, adding that in a similar situation now, she would intervene.

What Police Say

Police generally don’t advise people to become physically involved, though there are limits. If someone is believed to be in imminent danger, bystanders should call 911 first, draw attention to the situation, and intervene only if it’s safe for them to do so without putting themselves or others at greater risk, they say.

“I’m a cop,” Minneapolis Patch reader Craig prefaced his comment.

“Call 911. You don’t need conclusive proof to call; just describe the behavior that makes you nervous. Provide as thorough a description of those involved as possible, and take photos discreetly if you can. Make sure you get a license number if a car is involved. Observe the situation from a distance until police arrive,” Craig said, reiterating, “Don’t intervene. This can put the victim in more danger, and you may end up getting hurt, too.”

Providing documentation to police is the best way to help in situations where someone else may be in danger, said V., who reads Palm Beach Patch and Boca Raton Patch, both in Florida, as well as Massapequa (New York) Patch.

“Call 911, take note of anything to help police — tag number, height, weight, clothing and shoe color, color of perpetrator, car make and model, color,” V. said. “Follow if safe to do so.”

“Pull out your phone, call the police, and start taking lots of pictures of any identifying information of the possible perpetrator and the child, which you are legally allowed to do. Follow them as much as possible,” said Manville (New Jersey) Patch reader Franklin.

“Intervene and call 911,” Edison-Metuchen (New Jersey) Patch reader Ram said. “Take video if you can, or if you have a companion or friend with you, ask them to start recording, take note of the vehicle plate number, etc.”

C.E., a Harlem (New York) Patch reader, didn’t bound out of bed to assist a woman whose scream pierced the usual din of city streets.

“It was late at night, around 3 a.m.,” C.E. said. “I heard a woman screaming for help outside somewhere. The screams were loud. I called 911, spoke to dispatch and hoped for the best.”

That seemed to be the best response in that situation, C.E. said, adding, “If I have a gut feeling, I will follow my instincts.”

‘Help Any Way Possible’

Some readers said their first impulse would be to put the safety of others above their own.

“I would not hesitate to intervene. I would want to help any way possible,” said Skippack (Pennsylvania) Patch AM reader Cheryl.

Concord (New Hampshire) Patch reader Dee thinks it’s OK to intervene, “but with discretion,” she said. In her case, getting involved “stopped the altercation, at least for the moment,” she said.

Steve, a Providence (Rhode Island) Patch reader, believes people have a “duty” to intervene if they can do so safely.

“I stopped an adult who was slapping a child in the face repeatedly. They stopped,” Steve said, adding, “Perhaps it was my size that intimidated them.”

When Worcester (Massachusetts) Patch reader Andy intervened, “A man stopped hitting his girlfriend,” he said.

“I always react to my gut,” he added.

“I’d probably call 911 first, but I think I’d intervene if it looked like the situation was deteriorating too quickly to wait for police,” a Glen Ellyn (Illinois) Patch reader said. “If you’re not sure what’s happening, it’s always best to err on the side of safety.”

Before intervening, Rockville (Maryland) Patch reader Duston thinks it’s a good idea to “pause and assess the situation first.” He said he was roughed up when he stepped in to “separate quarreling people.”

Christine, a Boston Patch reader, suggested a few ways to clear up doubt about a person’s safety.

“I would quickly go up to the person who’s possibly in danger and say, ‘Are you OK?’ to an adult, or, ‘That’s my niece!” to someone holding a child seemingly against their will, or ‘Where are you going?’ or ‘Are you OK?’ to a child just to get a reply to see how they react,” Christine said.

It Could Be A Trap

L., a New Lenox (Illinois) Patch reader, brought up an unfortunate reality. Although most fake kidnapping scams are virtual and there’s no actual hostage, the FBI says more dangerous variations designed to physically lure, intimidate, or rob bystanders are emerging.

“Call 911. Unfortunately, in today’s world, there are scammers who set up so-called crimes, and if you intervene, you are pulled in,” L. said. “I have always acted on calling 911 if suspicious. Better safe than sorry.”

Gary has never been in a position to test it, but the Miller Place-Rocky Point (New York) Patch reader said he would likely be reluctant to physicdally intervene.

“I think I’d be concerned that if I intervened, I could make the situation worse; however, if I saw a child get in a car without a child seat, I would be very suspicious and may try to intervene.”

“I would try to somehow get a better feel on the situation, and if my gut told me something was off, I’d call 911 and take note of the specifics,” said Toms River (New Jersey) Patch reader Christine.

When A Parent Is Involved

Rochester-Rochester Hills (Michigan) Patch reader Julie remains close with the now adult children of a friend who was in a bad marriage.

“The parents often put themselves first,” Julie said. “The father showed open contempt for his daughter and all females, really. He was up to his usual Sunday afternoon drinking binge when he became fixated on the girl, who hadn’t finished her chores and was lying in a hammock outside. He started kicking her backside over and over. He was wearing heavy boots, eventually tossing her out of the hammock. That’s not discipline in anyone’s book. It was child abuse.”

Julie said the girl’s mother “just sat there and watched” the scene unfold without saying a word.

“Even when I said, ‘That’s going too far, and you need to stop it,’ she just sat there with a vacant look on her face, like she was somewhere else.”

The mom finally did intervene, “but only when I said that if she wasn’t going to put a stop to it, I would call 911,” Julie said.

“I decided right then that I would always advocate for her, and I have, even though it meant keeping those toxic parents in my life,” Julie said. “They damaged both of their kids, especially the daughter, and both of them left home as soon as they were 18.”

Julie said she’s always wondered if their lives would have been better if she had called social services.

“They would have cut me off,” Julie said of the parents. “But maybe the kids would have been better off.”

“Intervene in what seems to be a manner appropriate to the perceived situation,” said Long Islander George, who reads Patchogue Patch, Port Jefferson Patch and Miller Place-Rocky Point Patch.

But don’t expect to be thanked, George said.

He pulled a toddler from the water who seemed to be in distress and “was then soundly reamed out by the child’s mother, who said the child could swim and was able to take care of themself and was being monitored by her,” he said. “I was told to mind my own business.”

At the time. George was recovering from a broken pelvis.

“It hurt like hell, but it didn’t matter to me,” he said. “Do what you think is the right thing to do!”

Sonoma Valley (California) Patch reader Kira stepped in when she saw a parent who was “hitting her child extra hard.”

“I called the police; a cop came, investigated and then left, saying he didn’t witness it first-hand,” Kira said.

Even though no charges were filed, having to answer a police officer’s questions put the parent on notice, and Kira felt her response was validated.

‘I Should Have Taken Another 30 Seconds’

Allegra wasn’t specific about what it was she hesitated to report years ago.

“I should have taken another 30 seconds to stop and think before I ignored what I saw and knew was wrong,” the West Chester (Pennsylvania) Patch reader said. “I have thought about what I should have done and could have done over the years, and the consequences for everyone involved.”

Allegra taught her children and grandchildren to handle such situations differently, “to not be afraid and to act out of love for others and for oneself,” she said.

“I’m 70 years old now, and I know my instincts, and I know my life much better,” Allegra said. “Fear of others’ judgments and reactions is no longer a concern of mine at 70. But I wish I’d had the confidence and courage to act on behalf of others that I do now.”

Now, she said, “I listen to my instincts, and I act on them immediately. I don’t want to have any regrets and wonder for years what happened.”

A Glen Ellyn (Illinois) Patch reader discovered a brother was sexually abusing his daughter.

“I held the threat of the police over his head to force him into therapy. It turned out OK; my brother left his daughter alone after that, but she suffered from emotional damage that's never gone away.

“Looking back, I should have just called the police — successful therapy requires the willing cooperation of the patient, and my brother, like most pedophiles, had no interest in change,” the reader said. “We don't know of anyone else he ever molested, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t anyone, and it would’ve been better to remove him from being able to interact with young people at all.”

Continue The Conversation

What should you do? Do you approach and ask the person if they’re OK? Does that put a person who is in danger at greater risk? Do you call 911 immediately or only after you’ve observed the situation for a while? If you’ve ever been in this situation, what did you do that might be helpful to others?

Keep the conversation going in the comments below.

About The Question

The Question is an exclusive Patch series posing a broad array of questions on etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.

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