Unruly Parents Are ‘Ruining Youth Sports’: Block Talk

When the local park district in his town had trouble getting enough coaches, James volunteered his free time, so his kid could continue playing soccer.

The Plainfield (Illinois) Patch reader’s reward? An angry parent almost hit him with her vehicle.

“The parent was mad because we hadn’t won a game yet. She started off by yelling at the coach of the team we just played and segued into yelling at me because of ‘how terrible of a coach I was,’” James said.

He explained that he was just a volunteer coach who had stepped up when no one else would.

“She started verbally attacking the other coaching staff and me, then proceeded to get in her car, reverse toward me, and speed through a busy parking lot full of children and families,” James said.

Unruly, combative behavior by parents of young athletes has become normalized. For years, youth sports leagues have struggled with a shortage of officials, as umpires and referees increasingly quit, citing frustration with increasingly aggressive parents. Coaches like Jim are reluctant to volunteer as well.

For Block Talk, Patch’s exclusive neighborhood etiquette column, we asked what can be done about that.

‘Their Glory Days Are Over’

Parents need to understand that most of the coaching and officiating staff volunteer their time.

“No one wants to spend several hours of their week getting jawed at by a parent who couldn’t be bothered to step up and volunteer their time to help develop these young athletes,” he said, adding:

“Parents need to realize that their glory days are over and they’re trying to reclaim them by living through their kids. I see it time and time again while attending my kid’s sporting events. The number of times I hear some parent claim how good they were at ‘X’ sport is baffling. Your child isn’t you. Let them progress in their own way.”

“It’s sad that youth sports have become more about parents and their unrequited dreams of being a jock are being forced on their kiddos,” said Dinah, an Across America Patch reader.

Dinah said she has seen it all — “coaches bullying kids, parents bullying their kids, kids bullying other kids, parents bullying coaches and referees, coaches bullying referees.”

“Somewhere along the way, this went terribly wrong, and youth sports aren’t as wholesome and healthy as everyone wants to make them seem,” she said. “Everybody’s so aggressive in society at large. I unapologetically blame sports.”

“A large part of winning in many competitive sports involves aggression. The most successful aggressor wins, thus rewarding that behavior. The whole atmosphere revolves around people ‘beating’ other people; what do we expect?” said AlanD, a New York City Patch reader.

“Sports are a reflection of life. Make youth sports a rewarding activity as an example of how people should treat one another in the game and the unfortunate outcomes of those who don’t participate in a welcoming and proper manner,” AlanD continued.

‘You Can’t Always Be First’

Many readers responding to our informal survey said that as long as adults don’t spoil the experience for them, youth sports are a physically healthy diversion for kids that teaches them to work with a team and helps them develop leadership and social skills.

“Parents should allow kids to experience the reality that you can’t always finish first!” said New York Patch reader Jerry, who added, “This is the ‘everybody gets a trophy generation’ who are now having kids of their own.”

“If a child is going to play a sport, then the parents should have to attend a class on how to act at a game,” said Wyandotte (Michigan) Patch reader Barb. Parents should be teaching these young children that it’s not always about winning. Good sportsmanship carries into adulthood. Let children be children and act like you’re supposed to.”

“Sports are a reflection of life,” said Allen, a Brooklyn (New York) Patch reader. “Make youth sports a rewarding activity as an example of how people should treat one another in a game and the unfortunate outcomes of those who don’t participate in a welcoming and proper manner.”

Time For Good Behavior Contracts?

The Little League organization encourages local leagues to develop code of conduct policies to make parents, families and fans more accountable for their behavior. Other youth sports organizations offer similar recommendations, and some require parents to sign contracts.

Allen thinks contracts are a good idea.

“Any unsportsmanlike behavior should result in them paying a fine or community labor if found to be guilty in a legal setting,” he said.

Hatboro-Horsham (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Rose supports that.

“Each organization should have coaches (usually parents themselves) and parents sign an agreement that explains the philosophy of good sportsmanship and what is expected of them upon registration, or the child can’t participate,” Rose said. “It’s not a solution, but maybe it will force the ‘adults’ to grow up.”

You Want Your Kid To See This?

Morristown (New Jersey) Patch reader Rob runs a recreational basketball league in Westchester County, New York, where he currently lives. About 1,000 kids, from first graders through high school, usually sign up.

“We have zero tolerance for violence or abuse and have placed lifetime bans on violators. A league official attends every game, sometimes shuttling back and forth between multiple ones, and is therefore able to see most incidental behaviors firsthand,” Rob said. “Protecting the players and referees is a high priority.”

Rob said most of the bad behavior is addressed at him and usually involves insults, swearing and threats to “step outside.”

“Those can generally be toned down by something along the lines of, ‘Is this really the behavior you want your children to see you employ?’ Most of the time, common sense wins out,” Rob said. “If a player says or does something in the heat of the moment, that is usually dismissed with a warning or a possible one-game suspension. If an adult does so, the penalties will be a bit harsher.”

Captain Keyboard, a Brooklyn (New York) Patch reader, said adults should be reminded at every game or match that “sports are for the youngsters to enjoy, not for the adults to induce high-pressure competition that leads to depreciation of the sports.”

“Children must learn to enjoy the sport without undue stress and pressure for the goal of winning,” the reader said.

“Parents need a refresher course on youth sports. Let the kids learn to play the game, and let parents sit and watch and cheer for both sides. Both coaches should thank the refs after the game,” said Concord (New Hampshire) Patch reader Red.

“Youth sports is a learning period in a child's life,” Red continued. “Most will never play the game beyond high school. Parents need to get a grip on their emotions and living the game through their kids.”

“I have officiated youth football for several years and now refuse to do so; I only officiate high school football,” said Marcus, a Berlin (Maryland) Patch AM reader. “I have ejected a youth sports president and coaches and stopped a game because of abusive parents.”

‘If Junior Can’t Behave, He’s Benched’

Sometimes, the coach is the problem. When her son was 7, Montgomeryville-Lansdale (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Diane was a scorekeeper for his game.

“The coach closest to me was yelling so loudly throughout the game, I left with a headache and anxiety,” Diane said. “After that, I would never volunteer. That coach should have been dismissed from the premises and fired.”

Diane is all for holding parents and coaches to previously agreed-on behavior, such as no swearing, yelling or violent behavior. One offense, and the person is kicked off the field or out of the gym, Diane said.

Expectations for coaches should be higher. Diane said, “because they’re leading the children in these games.”

And sometimes, the young athlete is the troublemaker.

“I don’t care how good Junior is. I don't care if it’s the big game. If Junior can’t behave, he’s benched,” said Stonington-Mystic (Connecticut) Patch reader CB. “Mom and or Dad should be ejected for bad behavior as well. The few should not ruin everything for the many.”

“I can’t believe how nasty things have become,” said TB, who reads Nashua (New Hampshire) Patch and Across America Patch. “I say fine them and ban them.”

JB’s teenager was physically attacked by another teen when the referees weren’t looking, and nothing was done.

“My teen’s hand swelled up so bad they couldn’t get the glove off,” JB said, claiming the kid’s parent encouraged the behavior. The issue escalated. JB said the other parent “got my teen kicked out of a summer lacrosse camp when I didn’t agree with her.”

“I couldn’t believe how mean-spirited and unreasonable this parent was,” JB said. “Because of what we experienced, I can say I hate youth sports.”

Other Parents Stop Attack On Ref

It’s mainly parents who are causing the problems, survey respondents said.

Nandut (New York) Patch AM reader Oma was attending a youth basketball game when the dad of one of the kids tried to attack the referee.

“Other parents tried to hold him back,” Oma said. “He should have been taken out of the facility and told he could not attend future games.”

Oma added, “Parents need to show an example to their child that the game is for fun.”

Carly, an Upper East Side (New York) Patch reader, said adult behavior has become so unpredictable that parents should be banned from both practices and games or matches.

“Drop off and pick up only, except for end-of-season playoffs or the final,” Carly said.

Officials Are In A Tough Spot

Temecula (California) Patch reader Sandy was umpiring a T-ball game — the Little League division for 4- to 7-year-olds — when one of the players’ dad started yelling at her while she was in the dugout. There was a fence between them. She listened but didn’t respond.

“He took the shirt off his kid, threw it at me, and said he won’t play here,” Sandy said, adding she “felt very sorry for that kid who had to live in that home with his dad.”

“I’m not sure what can be done,” said Fairfield (Connecticut) Patch reader Tony. “The officials/referees need to be more assertive and stop trash talk throughout the game, reminding parents that it is a game; however, a lot of these officials are kids or much younger than the parents, and they may not listen to them.”

Tony added, “If parents are warned and then thrown out, they should be banned from further events — maybe need to go to counseling in order to return.”

Unless adults’ behavior interferes with the game, “there’s not much as an official that we can do,” said Norwalk (Connecticut) Patch reader Drew.

“As an umpire, I had to rein in some parents a few times but didn’t have to eject them to do that,” Drew said. “But when they started directing their anger and wrath at me, then automatic ejection happened. You must stop it before it goes further.”

Drew likes a policy adopted a couple of years ago by the Deptford Township Little League in New Jersey. Adults who fight with umpires have to suit up and make the calls themselves. The rule requires them to serve as base umpires for three games “to understand the job,” Drew said. If they decline, they could be banned for the rest of the season.

Livermore (California) Patch reader Bonnie thinks that if kids want to participate in a sport, at least one parent should commit to officiating that sport, though “obviously not for their child’s games,” she said.

“Hopefully, once they realize how tough it is to officiate a game, they will shut the eff up and just let the kids play,” said Bonnie, who said she officiated high school football games for 30 years.

Over the years, “parents’ and coaches’ behavior got progressively worse, and I had enough,” Bonnie said. “No one wants to officiate, and it is getting harder to find and keep people in the game.”

She added, “Their behavior is slowly destroying youth sports.”

What do you think can be done to return civility to sports, especially among parents and other fans? Join the conversation in the comments below.

About Block Talk

Block Talk is a regular Patch feature offering real-world advice from readers on how to resolve everyday neighborhood problems. If you have a neighborhood etiquette question or problem you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com, with Block Talk as the subject line.

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