What Happened To The Neighborhoods Where Everyone Knew Your Name? Block Talk

Diane chose her neighborhood because it “looked neighborly” with regular block parties, yard sales and other events to bring neighbors together.

“That was 30 years ago,” the Cherry Hill (New Jersey) Patch reader said. “I don’t even know their first names now. I could be dead on the front lawn, and they’d walk in their house.”

Her lament isn’t uncommon.

The findings of an American Neighbor Survey last year underscore a broader shift in American community life: People still value their neighborhoods and may trust neighbors with small favors, but everyday neighborly connection has sharply weakened, especially among young adults. The result is a thinner social fabric, with fewer Americans regularly talking, relying on or collaborating with the people who live closest to them.

For Block Talk, Patch’s exclusive neighborhood etiquette column, we asked:

Have you noticed your neighbors are less friendly or interested in taking part in neighborhood activities? How do you feel about this?

Clinton Township (Michigan) Patch reader Mother Molly MooMoo lived in her old neighborhood for 40 years before moving to a new one.

“One of the first things I noticed was that no one introduced themselves. I had to initiate that first contact, and there are no neighborhood activities,” she said.

In the old neighborhood, “people hung out on porches and in yards during warm months,” but where she lives now, they hole up inside in the air conditioning and use social media instead of face-to-face communication, she said.

“It’s sad that people are less interested in being friendly to their neighbors,” East Providence (Rhode Island) Patch reader Dee said, adding that her experience is different.

“We are friendly with our next-door neighbors and do not hesitate to offer or ask for help,” she said.

‘Surrounded By Negative Souls’

“Help? That is funny,” said Mistreated Neighbor

“They would sit outside and watch our house burn if it was on fire and enjoy it like they were watching the 4th of July fireworks,” the Cranford (New Jersey) Patch reader said. “There has never been a time that we have gotten help.”

Mistreated Neighbor said the chill is nothing new.

“There hasn’t been one friendly neighbor since we moved in 18 years ago; it’s like a little town cult, and they excluded us and nastily treat us like we are evil outsiders,” “It’s sad, because we are truly kind and giving people, and we would love to spread our kindness; however, we are surrounded by negative souls.”

Their unfriendliness is matched by their lack of common courtesy, the reader said.

“They purposely park their vehicles directly across our driveway so our disabled elderly parents cannot get out of our driveway,” Mistreated Neighbor said, pointing out the offending neighbors live four houses away on the corner and could park on the other street.

Even when the situation was explained, the neighbors kept parking in the same place.

“They stare, and no doubt talk to each other about us behind our backs, and then they act as they are the best neighbors to each other and anyone who will listen to how great they are,” Mistreated Neighbor said. “They are full of themselves.”

Banning-Beaumont (California) Patch reader Squirrel has some friendly neighbors who help each other out, but also some like the ones Mistreated Neighbor described.

“I feel as though most people only think about themselves, for example with loud music until 3 a.m. and working on cars with loud tools all hours of the day,” Squirrel said. “When there was a fire in the neighborhood, those directly around me did not help in a time of dire need.”

One of the houses next door to Squirrel’s has been vacant since September, “and we are happy because that entire family terrorized us.”

“Our street was quiet and friendly when we moved in almost six years ago,” Squirrel continued. “ \But now most people on our street stay to themselves as it has turned into a gang-tagged, loud cars, disrespectful people type of street.”

Neighborliness Isn’t Dead Here

Some readers still live in neighborhoods that seem lifted from the background of a Norman Rockwell painting. Living in a place like that takes effort on everyone’s part, especially with so many things competing for people’s attention.

“I live in a very friendly neighborhood — an attitude I contribute to,” said Gabrielle, a Glen Ellyn (Illinois) Patch reader. “Your ‘Facebook friends’ won’t scare away thieves and be there for you when you really need them the way neighbors can, if you take a minute to cultivate those relationships.”

Gabrielle and her husband know their neighbor very well. She’s an older woman who is widowed, and they regularly help her with chores she can’t manage alone.

“In exchange, we get baked treats,” Gabrielle said.

Greenwich (Connecticut) Patch reader Karen said her neighbors are “still very friendly — without being invasive.”

“We speak occasionally, have had shared meals together, and know that we can call on each other in the event of any emergency,” Karen said, adding they are “not best friends, but friendly.”

River Dell (New Jersey) Patch reader Nicki isn’t convinced her neighbors are less friendly, or that neighborliness in general has “plummeted,” as suggested by the American Neighbor Survey, a project of the American Enterprise Institute, a Washington, D.C.-based public policy think tank.

It could be that no one welcomed new people to the neighborhood and helped them fit in, or that they don’t have time for block parties and other get-togethers, or are even aware of them.

“Being kind and friendly with a neighbor is important,” Nicki said, adding that whether people are less friendly or participate less in neighborhood gatherings are “different questions.”

Joliet (Illinois) Patch reader Tracy said some neighbors are friendlier than others, “but it has been that way since I was a kid.”

A Generational Shift

The American Neighbor Survey exposed a wide generational gap. Older adults who are more settled in their neighborhoods tended to be more connected, while only 1 in 4 young adults said they regularly talk with their neighbors, a drop of nearly one-half in just over a decade.

Nazareth (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Carol finds that trend “very disbursing” that young adults aren’t engaging more with their neighbors.

The neighborhood is “nothing like when I first moved her 47 years ago,” she said, adding “I keep to myself because the neighbors are extremely inconsiderate since moving in two years ago.”

Ali, an Oyster Bay (New York) Patch reader, finds the generational divide “sad and distressing.”

“Their children are learning to snub neighbors, too,” Ali said, adding, “We now keep to ourselves as new neighbors gossip and spread unkind rumors about long-term residents.”

“I am one of the oldest in my neighborhood at age 74,” said North Haven (Connecticut) Patch reader Michael. “The original owners were friendly and we talked often. They are all gone, and the new neighbors barely look at me, so forget conversations.”

Most of Robert’s new neighbors have children, but they don’t play together, he said.

“As a kid, I could knock on my neighbor’s door and play with the kids,” Robert continued. “It’s sad.”

Other older readers said they have great relationships with their neighbors, regardless of age.

Lisle (Illinois) Patch reader Mary said her neighbors overall are less friendly and “seem snooty,” but that she has a close relationship with the people next door.

“We’ve broken bread with them. They have extra keys to our house and they pick up our mail when we’re out of town,” Mary said. “They actually help us with heavy-duty jobs such as moving items to the curb. We love our neighbors. They are in their early 30s; we are seniors.”

“My neighbors are all awesome, and I talk to and see them a lot,” said Vernon (Connecticut) Patch reader K. “We clear our elderly neighbors’ snow in the winter, we invite multiple neighbors to barbecues and our kid’s birthday party, and talk outside when we see each other.”

The COVID Effect

Some readers said the isolation of the COVID-19 pandemic outlasted stay-at-home orders.

“We have lived in our home for about a dozen years. When we moved in, there were neighborhood get-togethers that everyone was invited to throughout the year, in addition to less formal driveway drop-ins,” said Oakland Township-Lake Orion (Michigan) Patch reader Marilyn.

“COVID hit, and everything changed,” Marilyn said. “After a year of being distanced, the gatherings never really came back. While we still chat if we run into one another, the days of hanging out on a patio with a frosty beverage are long gone, it seems.”

“The weird thing is, the COVID pandemic brought us closer together. We had socially distanced driveway meetups every Friday. At 7 o'clock every night, people would stand outside and howl like a wolf, just as a sign of life,” said Across America Patch reader Bradley. “But when the stay-at-home orders were lifted, everyone went on with their lives. I miss that.”

Bradley said he knows his neighbors well enough to ask for occasional help with a project he can’t manage on his own. “They’re not unfriendly,” he said. “We just all have our own lives.”

Is This A Bad Thing?

Mona Lisa said she was relieved when the block party on her street “gasped its last breath as older people sold their homes.”

The Pennsylvania Patch reader has lived in her house for about 18 years, and barriers were placed at the ends of her block for the annual block party.

“I always felt trapped,” Mona Lisa said. “I get called out for my job a lot on weekends and felt their stares when I moved the barriers so I could get to work in a hurry.”

The idea of “forced fun” didn’t sit well with Mona Lisa.

“They even assigned a covered dish on the party notice. It was like being told I not only had to show up, I had to bring some kind of salad,” Mona Lisa said. “I was painting outside on block party weekend soon after I moved, and people actually harassed me for not joining the potluck. One woman even told me to put down my brush long enough to walk up the street and say hello and protested when I said I had to get the painting done before I did any socializing. I hope they got by without my relish tray. It was all so strange.”

Mona Lisa said she and her neighbors are cordial when they’re outside in their yards or meet on the sidewalk. The families who live on the street have a text chain to convey need-to-know information.

“Beyond that, we know very little about each other, and I don't feel like anyone on my street feels slighted,” she said. “We all have plenty of friends we'd rather spend time with. One of the things I like most about living here is that, now that those forced block parties have died a natural death, people respect each other's privacy.”

About Block Talk

Block Talk is a regular Patch feature offering real-world advice from readers on how to resolve everyday neighborhood problems. If you have a neighborhood etiquette question or problem you'd like for us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with Block Talk as the subject line.

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