Do You Owe A Polite Answer When People Are Rude And Nosy? [The Question]

Rude questions can catch anyone off guard, whether they come from a nosy relative, a coworker or a near-stranger who feels entitled to ask why you dropped out of college, why you’re still single or why your life doesn’t look the way they expected.

Do you owe these people a polite response? Patch readers who responded to our informal survey for The Question, a reader-sourced etiquette column found exclusively on Patch, were divided.

“Every question deserves a polite response,” said Across America Patch reader Joe Cool. “However, it can be very brief as long as it is not curt.”

“You can be polite back,” said Ossining-Croton-On-Hudson (New York) Patch reader Bb. “Keep your voice nice and light. Some people ask questions to be friendly or to know a person better. You might think it’s rude, but the person is just trying to be friendly or to know you better.”

“I try not to be rude,” said Nashua (New Hampshire) Patch reader TB. “I either try and change the subject by asking them a question or pretend my phone is on vibrate and tell them I need to take the call or answer the text. Then I walk away.”

Dana, a Simsbury (Connecticut) Patch reader, offered three examples of the polite non-answer and the body language to go along with them

“Who knows?” said with a casual wave of the hand.

“Why would you like to know?” said with a polite smile.

“Why, are you writing a book?” said impishly.

Who Is Asking?

Several readers said how they answer depends on who is asking.

“With others present and you’re not likely to meet this person again, ‘Nobody has ever asked that before and I'd prefer not to answer.’ With no one else present, ‘Wow. If you were on the receiving end of that question, you probably wouldn’t have asked,” said David, who reads Upper East Side Patch, Upper West Side Patch, and Forest Hills Patch, all in New York

“I would either say, ‘It’s none of your business,’ or I would say, ‘I feel that’s an inappropriate question for you to be asking,’” Massapequa (New York) Patch reader Cami said, adding, “People should really mind their own business and attend to their own affairs.”

“I smile politely and respond with this question, ‘Are you asking me about my personal business?’ Or sometimes I say, ‘If I tell you, I would have to kill you.’ Both work well for me,” said Carolyn, a Bay Shore (New York) Patch reader.

‘They Know They’re Crossing Boundaries’

It’s not just a lack of social graces that make people ask nosy questions, said Charlie, a New York Patch reader.

“Here’s the thing about people who ask nosy questions: They know they’re crossing boundaries. They’re counting on your good manners to make up for their lack of them,” Charlie said.

“Do you owe them a polite response?” Charlie continued. “No, but you’re not going to win this. They’ll draw you in, and you’ll end up talking about the thing you don’t want to talk about. It’s better to say something like, ‘No time to chat. Gotta run.’ And then be gone.”

Sunshine, Long Valley Patch and Hopatcong-Sparta Patch, both in New Jersey, agrees. Smile and excuse yourself under the pretense of talking to someone at a party or running late for an appointment," Sunshine said

A more assertive approach is, “I’ll forgive you for asking if you’ll forgive me for not answering, and then walk away,” Sunshine said.

“I’ve always wanted to say this but never found the right opportunity — or maybe because it may be too offensive,” said Georgia Girl, a Columbia (Maryland) Patch reader.

Turn The Question Back On Them

Some readers suggested flipping the question.

“With a big smile, say, ‘Why do you ask?’ or ‘Why do you want to (or need to) know?’ or ‘Is that important to you?’” Bensalem (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Marie said. “Turn the question back on them to explain themselves.”

“I flip the question, saying, ‘Tell me what you do, how much you make, etcetera,’ and then I walk away,” said Virginia Patch reader Elle.

“Just look at them and say, ‘Why do you ask?’” said Wilma, a Bel Air (Maryland) Patch reader. “I’m not certain they could reply with a reasonable enough answer to make you OK about giving them the information.”

“Sometimes, I make a joke, reversing the question. For example, ‘Why are you still single?’ becomes ‘Why are you still married?” said Potomac (Maryland) Patch reader Kate.

‘Rudeness Deserves Rudeness’

Glo, an Oak Park-River Forest (Illinois) Patch reader, said there’s no reason to offer an explanation.

“The person should decline to answer and doesn’t need to say why,” Glo said.

“They deserve a response that makes them realize they are asking inappropriate questions,” said New Jersey Patch reader Fur Baby Mama. “I think a good response is, ‘Why would you ask such a question?’”

“I would ask them a question that's none of my business so they could get perspective!” said Clawson (Michigan) Patch reader John.

“Just tell the truth and say it’s a subject you’d rather not discuss. Case closed,” said NealinATL, an Alpharetta-Milton (Georgia) Patch reader.

“Answer as you see fit,” said Simsbury (Connecticut) Patch reader Sara. “Some people need to be shut down hard. They have entitled opinions of their own importance and should be told everything.”

Sara’s answer depends on who is asking the question.

“A friendly acquaintance might get ‘I don’t like talking about that.’ Rudeniks get ‘I don’t discuss that,’ ‘no politics or religion,’ or ‘that's none of your business.’ Really pushy people get the sharper ‘I ony share with friends’ or ‘nosy, aren’t we?’ or, once in a while, ‘naff off and die.’’

“Cut them off,” said Sachem (New York) Patch reader Mary Ann. “That’s not anything that concerns you!” should do it, she said.

“It's actually OK to reply, ‘None of your business,’” said New York City Patch reader Kevin.

“Rudeness deserves rudeness. The hell with being polite. You’re not concerned about being nosey. I’m not concerned about your feelings,” said S, who reads New York City Patch.

“I have used, ‘Now why would you ask me that?’” a Wyandotte (Michigan) Patch reader said, adding it “usually shuts them up pretty fast.”

“I always say, ‘Oh, it’s not any of your business,’ and I just laugh a little so it breaks the negativity around us. "Also, I step away a little from that person,” said Pierre, a North Fork (New York) Patch reader. “I try to associate with that person as little as possible, as she is a family friend and I have to face her at all events.”

‘It’s Called Small Talk’

LaGrange (Illinois) Patch reader Sue thinks people have become overly sensitive. “It’s called small talk,” she said.

”Truly rude questions are those that cross the line into topics like bodily functions,” said Sue. “Asking about the price of a deck is the kind of practical information we should be sharing. Too much sensitivity will only drive people apart. Redirecting a question gracefully just takes a bit of common sense and good manners.”

Brick (New Jersey) Patch reader J also suggests redirecting the question. It’s fine to say something like, “That’s not something I’m willing to share, and then ask them a question about something they have been talking about lately to continue the conversation,” J said.

Troy (Michigan) Patch reader Hot Rod said his “totally nosy neighbor” is interested in gossip, not small talk.

“She has no life of her own, never shuts up, loves bragging and asking our other neighbors questions about themselves to find out things she has no business knowing — why you divorced, what was your settlement, how much money did you inherit, anything personal and dealing with money.

“If you mention something about someone, be it benign or not very nice, she can’t wait to tell them. She can’t be trusted, and now that we know she has issues and can't keep her big mouth shut, we all try to avoid her, having learned not to tell her anything personal we don't want spread to others.”

Hot Rod avoids it as much as possible.

“I don't answer rude, intrusive, personal questions other people have no business knowing. My life is my business, and I don’t tell anyone anything unless I want them to know,” the reader said. “People who ask personal, intrusive, rude questions have serious issues, need to stay in their lane, seek therapy, and get a life.”

About The Question

The Question is an exclusive Patch series posing a broad array of questions on etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you’d like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.

Catch Up On The Question

• Cellphone Etiquette Doesn’t Allow These Rude Habits
• When Grieving, These Words And Deeds Offer Comfort
• If You Think A Child Or Someone Else Is In Danger, Here’s How To Intervene
• Here’s A Tip: Stop Asking For A Gratuity For Everything