When Grieving, These Words And Deeds Offer Comfort [The Question]

There is no clear vocabulary for death.

A self-imposed pressure to say something that will lift another from the depths of grief can be clumsy and awkward. In many cases, though, the most comforting thing people can say to people who have lost family members, friends or pets is nothing at all or a simple “I’m so sorry.”

That was a common response to our informal survey for The Question, an exclusive Patch series on etiquette and what to do in different situations. We asked readers the most comforting thing they were told after the death of a loved one.

“I whisper in their ear, ‘People will say some really ridiculous things to you today.’ They just are at a loss for words,” said Greenfield (Wisconsin) Patch reader Barb.

Barb has experienced loss at every stage of her life. Both of her parents died before she was 20, her husband died at 55, and she lost a child at age 75.

“The verbal support is, of course, appreciated, but actions are more meaningful and remembered,” Barb said. “Or a simple, ‘I am here for you.’”

“Just be there for the person grieving. You don’t have to say a thing. Just show up,” said West Haven (Connecticut) Patch reader Melissa.

At the church after her mother’s death, “I was crying so hard with my sister when my best friend came up and held my hand. She said nothing — just knew I needed support,” Melissa said. “Of all that was said by others the rest of the day, that meant the most.”

“‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ It was the easiest thing to hear for me when I lost my dad,” said Bel Air (Maryland) Patch reader Jen.

Dex, a Birmingham (Alabama) Patch reader, said that when his wife of 10 years died at age 34, “I’m sorry” and a hug were “the simplest and the most profound” expressions of support.

“Death occurs and we must go through the grieving process,” Dex said. “A hug says ‘I see you and wish you did not have to experience this.’”

On her last trip to the hospital, Brick (New Jersey) Patch reader Scott’s mother didn’t come home. A new neighbor who had just moved next door. They’d chat a bit when Scott had visited his mother, and after her death, the neighbor “just hugged me and didn’t say anything when I told him she had passed.”

“That was great,” Scott said. “My daughter lives in the old house now, so we still get to talk when I go to her house.”

‘There Will Be Years Of Sorrow”

When her son died, Philadelphia Patch reader Marilyn found comfort when a friend said, “There will be years of sorrow.”

The simple acknowledgement that grief has no timeline, coming from someone who had known profound loss — her husband and two children’s father died at a young age — meant everything to Marilyn.

“It was the first real thing I heard after all those meaningless platitudes,” she said.xg

Years later, Marilyn was watching a documentary about a royal family’s son who had been murdered decades before. “You never get over it,” the man’s mother said.

“It was validating,” Marilyn said. “I started posting to my son on Facebook occasionally, and it helped me and, to my surprise, others who were carrying grief around themselves, not related to my son. They started posting and talking about their losses. It was freeing for them.”

She added, “They had suppressed it because Western culture frowns on grief.”

‘Well-Intentioned People Say The Worst Things’

Kelcie’s husband was 38 when he died.

“Well-intentioned people said the worst things,” the Concord (New Hampshire) Patch reader said without elaborating. “What helped was his dad saying, ‘It’s nice to see you.’ No question to answer, no obligation. I felt seen.”

People who haven’t experienced significant grief can struggle to understand the profound, life-changing nature of the death of a loved one, said Across America Patch reader Terri.

“They cannot relate to the experience, and the thought of such a loss in their own lives is frightening, so they don’t want to think on it much,” Terri said.

“There is nothing wrong with that, and it is OK,” she emphasized. “My advice to those people is to share what is in your heart with the person who is grieving. Tell them how you wish you could ease their pain, how you can’t find the words because there aren’t any that will make the hurt go away.”

‘Grieve Well’

Roseville (California) Patch reader Donna appreciated the words of one of her husband’s closest friends after her husband suddenly died.

“He told me that though this isn’t the life I would choose, and I’ll always miss him, it can still be a good life. He would want me to live it to the fullest and enjoy whatever time I have left,” Donna said. “It’s been over four years, and at first it was hard not to feel guilty for enjoying myself.”

“After my mom, my closest friend, died, a dear older friend of mine said, ‘Grieve well,’” said a Meriden (Connecticut) Patch reader. “She said there is no correct time limit, way or expression when you grieve. She said, ‘Take your time without feeling any pressure from or comparison with others. It’s your time to grieve.

“I took that to heart and grieved as long as I needed to. My faith in God helped me a lot. I miss my mom, but I feel I’m whole, healed, and not feeling any guilt that I could have or should have done more,” the reader said. “I was well-loved by my mom. I want to live loving and being loved.”

‘Time Does Not Heal A Thing’

“I have always found honesty to be helpful,” said Abington (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Lisa, who lost the person she thought she would spend the rest of her life with “in a horrific way.”

“When a friend is experiencing grief, I tell them that time does not heal a thing, but in time, you learn to live with the hole in your heart and life,” Lisa said. “You learn to stop wondering how everyone can go on with their lives while yours fell apart.

“And when you begin to learn to live with that hole, you also realize you have that hole and pain because you had that good and wonderful person, and even with all the pain and sadness, you know you would never have missed that love just to miss the pain,” she said. “In other words, you begin to be grateful for what you had instead of being angry or bitter for what you lost.”

‘We Loved Him; He Was A Wonderful Person’

Fond memories of the person who died are comforting, readers said.

Too often, “people hesitate to talk about the deceased because they are afraid it will make us sad, but it doesn't make us sad at all,” said Natick (Massachusetts) Patch reader Joy. “We are sad anyway, but knowing that memories of him live on in someone else makes us very happy.”

When her husband died, the worst question was, “How are you doing?” Joy said. “No one really wants to hear the true answer. The best thing was when people shared memories about him. Any of the other platitudes are annoying and don’t help. Just talk about the person! That’s what we really want to do.”

“My husband and I were together for just short of 30 years. He had been ailing for a few years before he died and was for a while in a good bit of chronic pain; nevertheless, his death from pneumonia was sudden and unexpected,” New York City Patch reader Mark said.

“I most appreciated hearing from people who knew him, who said words to the effect of, ‘We loved him; he was a wonderful person; he meant a lot to us; we're going to miss him a lot,’” Mark said.

Teri, who reads Canton-Sixes Patch and Holly Springs-Hickory Flat Patch, both in Georgia, lost her mother when she was 9. She appreciated hearing others’ memories and anecdotes about her mother.

“To this day, people who knew her would say things like, ‘She made the best chocolate cake,’ ‘She was so beautiful,’ ‘What a fantastic seamstress she was,’ or ‘I remember when she got her driver’s license.’ Comments like that can start a brief conversation focused on the deceased, prolonging their memory in a positive, heartwarming way.”

Remember the person well, said Milwaukee Patch reader Lois.

As she read the obituary for the father of a friend from church who had been caring for her ill parents as they neared the end of their lives, Lois took note of the things he was passionate about and shared them in a sympathy card.

“I mentioned how her father must have been such a help to her with those handyman traits and how much she must have treasured this connection,” Lois said. “My friend actually wrote a note back to me and told me how much she appreciated me noticing this about her dad, though I never met him. So, I guess the important thing to say to someone who is grieving is to mention something good about the deceased.”

Minnesota Patch reader Michele’s husband died a year ago after fighting cancer for many years. “It was comforting to hear that others would remember him and that in some way, big or small, he enriched their life,” she said.

‘I Love Any And Every Story About Mom’

After she expresses her condolences, Middletown (New Jersey) Patch reader Megan shares a memory about “their person.”

“A memory is my way of celebrating the person and their life. My mom passed away when I was 10 years old. My family didn’t talk about her much after her death,” Megan said. “I’m 55 years old now, and I love to hear any and every story about Mom there is to tell!”

Megan recently met a woman who knew her mother and shared a story she’d never heard before. Even after all these years, Megan finds comfort in continuing to learn new things about her mother.

“Grief is something most people avoid; however, when we take time to process our grief, I believe we can heal and find peace. I did,” she said. “After my mom’s death, pictures were put away, we didn’t talk about her much, and we marched on and survived life until I found help and took time to mourn. The good news is, there’s so much grief support for both children and adults.”

‘They Were So Lucky To Have Known You’

Leah, a Foxborough (Massachusetts) Patch reader, lost her service dog, a constant companion who helped her live independently and kept her safe.

“Two helpful things were said: One, in the case of someone who did not know my dog well, ‘Tell me about a good memory you had with him,’ and two, ‘I’ll always remember the time …’”

Charleston (Rhode Island) Patch reader Spotty found this comforting after losing a friend: “They were so lucky to have known you, and you them.”

“The most kind thing people can say is, ‘Tell me about him.’ It gives the person feeling the loss a chance to talk about the one they lost, brings back memories, and maybe even a smile at a silly memory,” said Ardmore-Merion-Wynnewood (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Louise. “This question opens up the conversation.”

She added, “The question I hated was, ‘How are you doing?’ It just brought tears and sadness.”

‘Just Validate Their Pain’

“People share platitudes to make themselves more comfortable, not you, and then walk away,” said Rochester-Rochester Hills (Michigan) Patch reader Lynn.

“Just validate their pain and ask about what they miss most about that person or pet, and truly listen to what they are telling you. Then respond with, ‘I can understand why you miss that, and may I check in with you?’” Lynn said, adding, “And really mean it.”

“You’re not alone. Get therapy; it helps. So do support groups,” said Huntington (New York) Patch Christina, whose daughter and son-in-law were killed by a drunken driver.

“My friend came in the funeral home and said, ‘Don’t worry, sweetie; we have you.’ Those words were so comforting. I still feel them today, and it’s been over seven years.”

Don’t Ask, Just Act

Several readers cautioned against asking the person who is grieving how they can’t help.

“Instead, just do something: Buy them some food, make or bring them a meal, do a chore for them around their home, or simply stop by for a visit. If words don’t feel like enough, then take action and do something to help this person while they grieve the loss of their loved one,” said Terri, the Across America Patch reader.

“People who are grieving generally don’t ask for help because they don’t want to be a burden to anyone,” she said. “However, even doing the littlest things for this person can make a big difference and help ease the burden they feel while grieving their loss and navigating their confusion on how to move forward without their loved one.”

“When my husband died, one friend brought dinner — enough for two, and she sat and ate with me,” said Wheaton (Illinois) Patch reader Joan. “That meant a lot. I’d been eating alone for two weeks, and I wasn’t eating much. Having someone to share a meal meant so much.”

Astoria-Long Island City (New York) Patch reader Silvi said conveying an understanding that it is a horrible time and the loved one will never be forgotten can be followed up with actions.

“Create a memorial and charity in their name,” she said.

“Doing something for someone goes much farther than saying something,” said Ridgewood-Glen Rock (New Jersey) Patch reader Rachel.

“So do the good deeds,” she added.

About The Question

The Question is an exclusive Patch series posing a broad array of questions on etiquette and what to do in certain situations — and readers provide the answers. If you have a topic you’d like us to consider, email beth.dalbey@patch.com with “The Question” as the subject line.

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